To the Needy People & Other Thoughts

I think it's strange a few people have asked me if I'm mad at them lately.  Gosh, I'm not mad at anyone, not even the people who talk crap about me behind my back.  True, there are certain people in my life who bug me but I've been working really hard lately to forgive everyone.  I guess in the process, I'm not as friendly as I used to be.

This is the thing....while I may look like I'm back to normal, I'm discovering there will never again be a "normal" for a cancer survivor.  Having cancer hits too close to the fact that life is a gift we have for only a short time.  Life is sort of like an Advent calendar, only we don't know when the last little door will open.  I took the fact that there would even be little doors for granted.  Now I'm trying to treasure each one and use the gift of every day to it's fullest.....and that means I'm working all the time.  Much of the work I do is unseen like working on my attitude, planning how to accomplish everthing I need and want to do, working on my relationships, etc.

It seems like every minute of every day is full.  There are still lots of doctor's appointments and 8 more weeks of Herceptin infusions.  No one did my job (or very little of it) while I was on disability so I'm now being pushed to catch up by the end of next month.  I think I'm getting there though!  The work is taxing at best.  My mind is usually numb after a day of reviewing what people have done to correct events at my workplace.  I'm also trying hard to fit in time for me to workout and train my dogs and take a lesson once a week.  Then there's laundry, meals, bills, taxes, housecleaning, dog grooming, dog clean-up, shopping......and somewhere in there is my poor husband, kids and grandkids!  Luckily Steve has found something to keep him entertained training for a Spartan competition.  I sure love that man of mine.  I don't know of any other man who could have been so understanding.

And speaking of doctors, I finally had my appointment with Dr. Gray and we discussed this hip & leg pain with the numbness and tingling.  I showed him where it was and he abruptly said it was not the Herceptin but seemed like it might be a back problem.  He immediately ordered an MRI and I went the next day.  By the way, if you ever have to go all the way inside an MRI machine laying on your back, don't open your eyes or think about what you'd do if you needed to hurry and get out!  Once I relaxed, the machine noises sounded like some weird concert and I almost went to sleep.  When the results came this week, sure enough I have bulging disks especially at L3 & L4 with some arthritic changes all the way down.  The bulging is causing narrowing of the spinal thecal sac.  The internet says the treatment is mostly time, core strengthening and not doing aggravating things.  Surgery is only warranted in severe cases, which mine is not.  The pain and tingling is always there but at least I can walk without limping now and sleep.  I have an appointment with the spine doctor next week to see what else I can do.  He's a sports specialist too so I'll ask him if there's anything I can do to stop running like a Grandma!

The funny thing about all that is how the osteopath I went to never even offered to order an MRI when he couldn't find anything on X-ray, but the oncologist ordered it right up.  I have insurance.  I don't get why we have to push doctors so hard to diagnose things sometimes.

My hair no longer looks like it's growing back from chemo.  It just looks like short hair.  My long time hairdresser cut it about 3 weeks ago so it finally has some style.  She added a straightening perm too, which really helped tame the nappy curls.  Then last week I added some funky color chunks....sort of a golden brown with a small stripe of magenta.  I love the look!  We'll see how long I can maintain the cost of upkeep though.  And fixing it every day is quite a process, much more intensive than the old pull back into a ponytail style I used to wear.

My hairdresser's mom died of breast cancer when she was a teenager.  Having her in my life has really helped get through this bump in the road.  She understands but doesn't baby me.  Unfortunately her aunt was in hospice last week from another rare cancer form.  She is always so bold and strong but I could tell she was breaking over her aunt.  I'm praying the beast will somehow decide not to prey upon my friend too.....

So to the needy people who think I'm mad at them, I'm very sorry if you feel that way.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I hafta take care of my own self now, that's all.  Enjoy your day!