Well, in a little over a week my cancer treatments will be over. My last herceptin infusion will be Tuesday and my chemo port-o-cath will be surgically removed on Wednesday. Will the journey be over though? I think not, even thought the cancer is gone. I still don't know how or where or why I got it....so maybe I'll do whatever it was to cause it again. The biggest thing I want to know is if I'll ever feel like "myself" again.
Who is myself anyway? I'm not sure I remember anymore. I do know since embarking on this, I never quite feel real....or it is authentic? I don't know how to describe it, I just know I don't feel normal anymore. Maybe it's that I'm a little freaked out all the time now. I'm always worried about something now it seems. Before this shit happened I had a fairly laid back persona. Even though it may not show that I'm freaked out all the time now, I am and I don't like the discomfort of it.
I don't know that I worry so much that the cancer will return but what the treatments have done to me. Everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - takes a supreme amount of effort now. I have to push myself hard just to do the things I want and like to do so imagine how I'm struggling with things I don't like but have to do. I'm so sick and tired of the pain, stiffness and weakness in my body. And I'm so tired...... just so, so tired.
I read another person's blog who was on herceptin too and she said she lost her eyelashes and eyebrows during treatment. I sure don't have much in either case so maybe they will return when I'm off the drug. Yikes, I've been on this drug for a whole year. I wonder how long it will take my body to return to normal. I wonder if the aches and tiredness will improve. Or, I wonder if it's downhill from here as far as my physical abilities.....
On a good note I visited Dr. Eddie Jordan on Monday. It was the day after my 58th birthday so he wished me a happy one. I asked him how he knew it was my birthday, whether he remembered because it's April Fool's day or because he saw it in the file. He replied, "Sweetheart, I will NEVER forget singing happy birthday to you last year in the parking lot" then turned and quickly walked away like he was embarrassed. All the office workers turned and looked. I just laughed and left.
Then I wished there was a way I could stay friends with Dr. Jordan......I would always feel warm being able to stand in his light, plus he smiles when I talk about my doggies instead of getting that glazed over look that I see so often! But he will most likely end up being just another one of the legions of angels I will leave behind next week when my treatments are over. Sad that we can't somehow glean the good things from the ugly things that happen and hold onto them after the ugly parts are over. I'll really miss a couple of the chemo nurses too, namely Mary, Rochelle and Glenda, just like I still miss my friends Brandi and Jill from radiation. Brandi lives near me and I look for her all the time but never see her.
I wonder what life will be like in another year.
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