Goodbye Dr. Jordan, I'll Miss Ya!

Part 1 of my breast cancer journey is over.  I saw Dr. Jordan for the last time on Friday, which also happened to be my birthday.  It was sad to say goodbye because he's such a good person and so easy to talk to.  But as I was leaving, he ran out into the parking lot, grabbed my hand and with his nurses at the door, they all sang happy birthday to me.  Dang, then that made me cry a little.

The decision whether or not to take chemo is still weighing heavily on my mind.  There is so much I don't understand.  For now, I fail to see how the benefits could possibly outweigh the drawbacks.  Steve gets frustrated because I can't even explain the questions & feelings I have.  I called a health care advocate and she's already sent me some online info that should help if I can get through it all.  The advocate suggested I get a case manager through my health insurance, which I've done.  Her name is Roz and she's an oncology nurse.  Roz is going to be a great help I think, I really like her.  She's already given me tons of references, including the name of some doctors at the Huntsman Cancer center for a 2nd opinion and said I can call her any time, day or night with questions.  In addition, I extended my absence from work for two more weeks to help me have time to sort through everything.  That's a real relief.  I know my mind just wouldn't be there until I find my direction.

Friday afternoon, all the family was over for my birthday.  I had a blast, it was such a stress reliever.  Tried to take lots of pictures - those might be the last ones of me with my long hair.  Some of the crap I read last night was from people who's hair never did grow back......such a stupid thing to worry about, but such a big thing too.  It just opens you up for questions about things you probably aren't going to want to dwell on.  I'm pretty sure I won't want to discuss how I feel, how it's going, etc., with everyone, even though I know they will mean well.  

I stayed up late last night reading all the side effects of the two chemo drugs the onocologist suggested.  I shouldn't have done that!  I didn't realize your nails could fall off.  The neuorogical pain people described from the drug I thought might be the easier one was frightening.  I already have arthritis.  How would I cope if it got even worse?  Right now that's one of the main reasons I do agility with my dogs.  It really helps.  Would I even be able to move?  The oncologist seemed a little worried I might want that drug.  The treatment would be over sooner than with the other high dose one.  I couldn't fall asleep for a long time.  What I was really looking for were benefits to chemo but that was info I never found.  The oncologist is out all next week but I'm thinking about making an appointment with his nurse to talk some things over.  Maybe that'll settle things in my mind and if she takes the time with me, perhaps I won't need the 2nd opinion after all.

For now, my objective is to try and articulate the questions I have about the rest of this journey.  Gosh, sometimes it just sucks to be so analytical.  Why not just accept what the doctor recommended?  So I guess that will be the first question on my list.