What's the Meaning Behind It All?

Um, a new blog post, how about that?  It's been almost a year since I last reported and almost a year since my very last treatment.

I decided to write today because my hair is starting to come in with color and not white!  I was looking in the magnifying mirror over the weekend to pluck my eyebrows and by gosh, my white is speckled throughout with darker colored strands.  I'm sure it's on the greyish side, but now this proves the chemo turned my hair white.  I can curl it now too, which is kinda fun.  Who would've guessed?

As soon as my port came out last April, there was a little while where I felt energetic and enthusiastic.  Before long though, I found myself being overly emotional and depressed about everything I experienced that was not a happy event.  It would and still does take me a long time to stop dwelling on sad events. During this time Hurricane Sandy wiped out many homes in New York and in the east, many 1st grade children and two teachers were killed by a gunman at Sandy Hook Elementary school in CT, President Obama was re-electred as President of the United States in the dirtiest campaign I can remember, a vet tech I've worked with was killed in a car accident along with her husband, 5 dogs and baby son who was due in only a week from the accident.  A pope actually resigned due to all the horror and controversy associated with acts committed by church officials.  I got hooked on following lost Shelties, especially one named Bandit from IN.  He is still lost and it's been 10 months.  I was offered a voluntary separation package from work but didn't take it.  Heroes and heroines died, some from cancer, including breast cancer.  Innocent animals were killed.  My oldest daughter was divorced.  Mean things were done to me at work without recognition or apology.  It's even hard to write about these things because they have bothered me so very much.

I've had clear mammograms and seen Dr. Gray every 4 months.  When I was in last month I got to talk to his assistant, Dr. Jan Davis instead.  I always felt I had to act tough for Dr. Gray to get his praise for coming through cancer treatments so well.   I felt I could talk candidly to Jan and wow, she was great, explaining that my feelings are totally normal.  The theory is that while I was in treatments, me and my disease were being cared for.  I was treated and checked every week for over a year, then suddenly the care stopped.  But my fear that I might get cancer or something else unexpected like the cancer didn't go away.  It's always there and always will be.  I also realized how temporary everything is so any kind of loss and pain hurt even more.  If it gets overwhelming where I can't deal with anything because of the pain I feel I am to let Dr . Gray know and he will do something for me.  Sometimes I sure wish pot was legal and wouldn't get me fired from my job!

Activity, my dogs and especially competing with my dogs, taking care of Steve and the house, all help.  My job is so unsatisfying I have to just think about it as a place I go to earn a paycheck and that's it.  For quite awhile over the winter I seriously considered certifying Markie as an emotional service dog to help me through the days.  I realized no one at my workplace would be interested in helping me feel better though so gave up on the idea.  If I didn't have Steve to listen to me cry I think I would go crazy.  He is the best husband in the world.  My 5 dogs are the best dogs in the world too.

Yep, cancer certainly changed my life in ways I never imagined.  I still don't get why me and continue to search for the lessons I was supposed to learn from this.   I still don't get why I lived and others didn't.  What's the meaning behind it all?